The conviction

He sat adjacent to me on the bed next to sofa where i was.
We hadn’t talked for three days,my best friend and I, so i decided to be the first to break the silence. I did not know what was wrong between us.

“You are the reason am mad.” He begun.

I immediately felt the sour lump settle in my throat. I crossed my legs and arms, ready to take in the rebukes and the file of mistakes I had done.

“First am gonna number them up for more clarity… ” He leaned forward and looked at me.

I felt claustrophobic.

” First, you are selfish, heartless- and if it happens there is a heart somewhere in you,pumping, it is dead cold.”

The heat of defence was warming up my body fast, I had to defend myself.

“Really? ” I asked in pain. “Am I that bad? Give facts to support your claim.”

He seemed prepared and ready as though he had anticipated for this to happen.

” Do you remember that day I was to help you with your suitcase, but I couldn’t since I had hurt my ankle in a football game? ”

I nodded affirmatively.

“The first thing that came out of your mouth was not a ‘sorry’but a statement highlighting how disappointed you were in me for ‘purposely ‘ injuring myself to escape helping you move your luggage.”

“I never meant that way, I… ” he cut me short and went on to give me five more examples of which I only recalled three of them.

” On to the next ones. ” I uncrossed my legs and released my arms,then stared straight into the brown eyes.

“Number 2, you bully me all the time,” he went on and gave situations which I committed the sin.

“Number 3, you are a miser. Each time we go out to buy something for me, it always ends in an argument and the result is you never buy a thing and if you did, you grumbled about it. ”

I had to say something there, I ain’t a miser. I don’t believe I am. “That happens because you compare what I give you with what your friends and exes gave you, and that really pisses me off. ”

He shrugged and moved to the next point.

“Number 4, you are a liar or should I say turning into a liar. Last Wednesday you kept me waiting for five hours for you to turn up. The excuses you gave kept changing every hour and when you finally came you narrated a different story from what you said on the phone!”

I had no counter-attack statement to cross that allegation. It was true I lied.

“Number 5, you are a ticking time bomb. The anger in you is really scary. It turns you into a totally different person. It is like you are not you. You do not listen to reason and you end up saying and doing hurtful things that can make the other person hate you for life. You called me names, unspeakable names that one time last month I never passed by to say ‘hi’to you- when I came around your apartment.”

He looked concerned as he said that. This made me sink deeper into the sofa, covering my face in the palms of my hand. I have been struggling to control anger since the day we became friends. Many times he is very annoying.

It reminds me the case of Peter, a disciple of Jesus, when he was asked three times the same question by the risen Christ. “Do you love me?”. A question he had answered the same way before, nevertheless it was repeated again and again.

My friend has a way of repeating actions and questions like a broken record and this really wears my patience and self control thin to the verge of boiling emotionally.

I felt hot tears well up behind my closed eyes hidden beneath my cold palms. May be I did have a cold heart.

“Number 5 , you are big fan of complaining! Do you remember on Monday last month…. ” He went on to give more examples including the recent ones.

At that moment,I stopped paying attention to him but to the thoughts in my mind raging like a thunder storm over a wavy sea.

I couldn’t believe I was that horrible! He had even made a joke of me being geneologically related to Idi Amin, a cruel, sadistic Ugandan dictator who died many years ago. Inside, I was screaming.. I felt horrible, I felt like the poisonous reject from factories which kill the beauty around them.

My poisonous personality had seeped fear into those around me, starting from my classmates to the roommates I had. They all behaved withdrawn and weird around me, they were not free with me.

Something hot rolled down my cheeks. He was still talking,numbering down all the cruel things I had done to him. He was at 15.The tears increased and the one drop that hung on my chin become heavy enough to fall down to my thighs, wetting the trouser I had worn.

They came down faster, streaming like a river. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t hide the guilt that swelled up within me.

I felt arms wrap around me in hug. “Don’t worry, You and I will fix YOU up. ” He said.

I found myself repeating “Am so sorry” midst the tears.

😭😭😭

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