african life issues relationships

My broken Valentines; Getting over heartbreak, lies and betrayal.

Nursing a broken heart after a nasty betrayal is a painful process especially to the one who genuinely loved. They say, in every relationship, there is that one person who loves and gives the most. And when things break, it doesn't break even; the one who loved deepest suffers the most gut wrenching cracks of the heart.

My valentines was a mess. I dumped my cheating boyfriend of four years after discovering a month of love messages between him and his other girl. So, here i am, licking my blistering heart wounds peacefully in the comfort of my apartment. Alone. I got no female friends to bawl my eyes over for the last one i had, was head over heels infatuated with my boyfriend (now my ex) at that time, so i scratched her out of my life equation.

Nursing a broken heart after a nasty betrayal is a painful process especially to the one who genuinely loved. They say, in every relationship, there is that one person who loves and gives the most. And when things break, it doesn’t break even; the one who loved deepest suffers the most gut wrenching cracks of the heart. Yes, that is me. I am the one wallowing and stewing in pain as he revels in the bliss of the other girl to my chagrin.

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Come to think of it, this break up is a blessing in disguise. Previously, he had cheated on me twice. One girl, he slept with a day before valentines (it seems my valentine days are jinxed) i forgave him after he willingly confessed about it a month later ; the other girl, he flirted with in texts telling her how much he loved her. By the third stroke of his cheating ways, i knew it was time to re-evaluate my value.

Who am I? Am i worth a cheating partner? One thing for sure i know, is that i am not Mother Teresa. My patience and forgiveness have run short. That well of goodness has just run dry and my will to go on in this emotionally abusive relationship has hit rock bottom.

Read also: 3 major ways to know if you are in Lust or in Love

They say cheaters are sorry when caught. That’s true. What if i hadn’t acted on my suspicion? His hidden agenda would have gone on to kingdom come or until the guilt of it all finally caught up with him. One thing cheaters have in common, they are all liars.

I have gracefully combined the red flags in my botched relationship that helped me decide on putting an end to the fallacy of a perfect couple and exit the phantom relationship i was in:

No communication

I remember waiting for him every night to knock at my door so that i would receive him with a tight hug and a kiss, then ask him how his day was. I wanted him to tell me everything that happened in his hustle, good or bad but all he ever said was ‘ it was good.’ or ‘It was fine.’ A whole day was summed up in three words.

Virtually, it was a mess. He answered me in the ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ format. How was your day? Good. Did you eat lunch? Yes. Are you at your place? No. I think i need your help in fixing the bulb. OK. I love you. Me too.

The conversation was flat and robotic. I tried to bring back what we had before but it was like performing CPR to a cadaver.

My flaws, his flawlessness

Each time we had an argument, he would sit me down and recite all the mistakes i did months and years ago. With every wrong i committed, he bashed me over and over and over again despite the fact i had apologised. He would then ask me to reform my behaviour or else he would leave me. And being the one in love i would try every trick in the book to be perfect.

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All the arguments and disagreements was summed up to be my fault. I was the one who made him angry. I was the one who drove him to cheat. And i was the one to fix every nook and cranny in the dented relationship. According to his words and actions, he was perfect and i had fallen short of his glory.

Lies, lies. Liar

A week before valentines, i had spotted unusually high numbers of selfies taken by one particular girl in ‘a-way-too-cosy’ poses and my heart cringed. I knew right away, they were more than just friends ( girls have 7th sense on such matters).

I confronted him about it and he became angry and loud accusing me of denying him his rights to take pictures with his ‘cousin’. Once before, he had said ‘aunt’ in reference to a much older photo he took with her in a volunteer mission.

Fast forward to valentines day, she wasn’t his cousin but his side chick.

No time for us

He kept busy. Very busy. I could only see him for 20min at night everyday. The rest of the time he was either working, volunteering or out with friends. There was never time for us. For me.


Everyone has a weakness. Mine is anger and his, dishonesty. He wore lies like his birthday suit. If it were a matter of life and death, he is one guy who would lie his way out. He’d rather eat a bullet than tell the truth. The only way to get to him is by uncovering his lies and confronting him with the truth.

We took very few pictures together

He was that sort of guy who preferred keeping photos of friends and family than that of me. I am a private person but that didn’t mean i hated photos. All i ever wanted was to immortalise special moments, but he was never there.

I was a secret

To his potential female admirers , he encouraged advances by not shutting them down completely. In all his flirty texts, he appeared as a bachelor. He never mentioned having a girlfriend.

Read also The fear black men hold against independent African women.


Stewing over these few findings up there, has made me realise that none of us were perfect and most of all we were never meant to be.

It hurts like hell, this heartbreak. The first love is hard to forget but it is never the last. I know someone out there will love me for who i am. And that man, will be my last love.

Dear Cupid,

give me time to heal, and when i do get over this, i promise to love again.💘

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